It’s been exactly one week since I’ve been home from college and I already want to go back.
No, it’s not because Lock Haven is the coolest place in the world. It’s not because I have tons of friends there to hang out with. I especially don’t miss the food.
However, the past seven months or so at college, I developed a freedom that I didn’t even know I had. A freedom that, until now, I never paid attention to. A freedom that I almost ignored and took advantage of in my ignorance in it.
What had everyone said to me? ‘Oh, don’t worry Kayt – your parents will back off once you go to college.’ So I grit and bared it for years. 18 exactly. And I came back on week ago honestly expecting things to be different.
When I got chastised last night for not asking to go to dinner with my boyfriend on a Friday night – a regular occurrence after two years now – I realized that nothing had changed. Nothing is going to change.
18 years have past. 19 years will come to pass in July. Then 20, and 21, and still, still my parents, mostly Joe, my stepfather, is going to act like this. Because I ‘live under his roof’ and I ‘don’t pay rent.’ Therefore, in his mind, this equates to the simple fact of life that I will ask him to do things. I will be told no. I will sit in my room like a good daughter. I will go to church on either Saturday or Sunday. I will not drive the car unless given permission. I will do housework. I will nod my head to anything he says and ignore the mood swings. I will be in by 10 on most nights. Unless working until 11.
I will forever be under their rule.
People think it’s crazy that I simply submit. Those are the people who don’t know my parents, who don’t understand the situation. Joe is a scary mother fucker. It’s quite likely that he’d kick me out. I have no where to go. I can’t afford a place of my own. I’m half tempted to take out another loan and find a place in Lock Haven to stay for the summer. That’s actually my plan for next summer if this week is any indication of how my summer is going to be. I’ll get a job or, hopefully, an internship in the area and stay where I have freedom.
Because I can’t be the girl who has to be home early anymore. I’m used to staying out until whenever I want. Going wherever I want. Doing whatever I want. Even if it’s something simple. I’d never be able to walk to a Dunkin’ Donuts past 9, especially if I had class the next day. I don’t want to be stuck in my room this summer. I wanted to experience a few things so I can be better off next semester, but apparently it won’t happen.
All my social anxieties result from my parents. I’ve never been allowed to go out and hang out in big situations. There have been times when I couldn’t see my boyfriend, or my best friend who I’ve known since middle school. And they wonder why I was constantly on the internet throughout my adolescence.
I want to be able to hang out in a group of people and not be uncomfortable. I want to know how to interact in ‘different situation.’
One of my goals for this summer was for it to be my summer of exploration, getting out of the shy shell that I reverted into the second I stepped foot onto that unfamiliar campus. Outside of working my ass off for a lot of money so I can live comfortably next year and have a car, of course.
I’m not sure how all of this is going to play out. I have the sinking feeling I still will spend most of my year sitting in my much more comfortable and silent room. I’m hoping this isn’t the case. But if I’ve learned anything in almost nineteen years, it’s that I shouldn’t even be in college. I’m not sure I’m old enough to qualify anymore.
Where’s the finger paint? I might as well go back to kindergarten because I’m treated like a child. Or a caged animal. Take your pick.
